Made it

We’ve made it to the end.

We are the lucky ones.

It feels kind of dumb and cliche and all that to say that everyday is a gift, but it makes me think back of all the people in my life who could be here today but they are not.

Cancer. Car accidents. Suicide. Drug overdoses. Illnesses.

Some younger than me. Many of them younger than me. Some older who I’ve now surpassed in years. It felt so wrong the first time I was older than Charles was when he died. I’m not supposed to be older than him.

And yet here we are, still moving around the same sun, walking on the same dirt. How else can we think about each day other than that it is something we won’t have one day, and we don’t know when that will be or why.

***

This year has been unexpected.

I didn’t know I was going to move across the country. I didn’t know I was going to get a mountain bike. I certainly didn’t pencil in an IRONMAN. Barcelona? Had no plans whatsoever of leaving the country during a pandemic — my first international trip, no less.

That all happened. It all feels almost like a dream now. I swam in the Mediterranean Sea and the Pacific Ocean. I rode 103 miles of Gravel Locos until my bike didn’t want to go forward anymore. I experienced cramps for the first time at the Robidoux Quick n Dirty in Nebraska. I won a cyclocross race. I drove to California on a huge solo road trip! I got mountain bike lessons from a pro enduro rider. I started from scratch and developed three successful classes at the YMCA. I’m an NASM CPT. I’m going to be a co-captain of the women’s Violet Crown racing team!

What a god damn dream of an adventure I’ve had in 2021!

You know what else I did?

I started to really love myself. I stopped trying to please other people and started focusing on what makes me happy. I set boundaries and told people who crossed them to back off. I cut off an ex whose constant criticism and judgement lurked in the shadows. I made new friends with people who are inspiring and talented and friendly and fun, because building up community is one of my favorite things. I’ve let myself be vulnerable and open. And I’ve accepted that all that I am — all the good, all the bad, all the weird, all the passionate and quirky and crazy things I do — all of that is what I live for, it’s what I wake up every day for: to be myself in a world where I no longer care whether people “like” it or not.

Because there are some out there who do. There are people out there who care. There are people out there who are worth your time and your energy. I’m no longer focusing on those who aren’t. I’ve always been a people pleaser, but I’m leaving that behind in 2021. I’m seeking happiness for myself first, and surrounding myself with people who are on the same wavelength. People who spread happiness and positivity and challenge you to be better, not who bring you down in the dumps because they’re miserable assholes.

Good. Freakin’. Bye.

***

I don’t know what 2022 is going to bring. I’m planning for some stuff. I’m training for some races. I want to ride my bike more. I want to find more trails. I want to travel and do all the fun things that I can.

I don’t know when my last day will be. I hope it’s not soon. But I want to live 2022 like it might be. I want to love myself like it might be.

Come what may. I’m truly grateful for all that I have endured, even though I didn’t feel it at the time I was going through it.

I’m hopeful that 2022 is going to be a good year. I know people are getting tired and calling it 2020-2 … but I’m ready to let go of that mindset. I am so, so ready to move forward with my new mindset and my new experience and my new wisdom and a whole lot less baggage.

Let’s drink to that. Salut.