Finding what I've lost -- home

Starting over is weird.

When you go to a place where nobody knows you, you can be whoever you want to be.

You aren’t stuck in this mold of who you’ve been around everyone you know. There’s no groups to define you. There’s nobody out there who is quick to define you.

You get to define yourself.

You get to try new things, try on new hats, and not feel like someone’s going to say, “Oh, that’s not you."

Maybe it is. Maybe it is me.

I went to IKEA yesterday to get stuff for my new apartment. I got some new styles, some new colors, some new things that I’m excited to set up and use. They’re going to be me now.

It’s not that I’m not being true to myself, and getting rid of everything that I’ve been and become. But it’s like I’m shedding a skin of my old self, and this new, fresh, reinvigorated me is coming out.

I’m doing my first gravel race in two weeks. I have no expectations to fulfill, no person to impress. I’m going to go out there, ride hard, and enjoy it. I’m doing it for me.

I’m peeling back the layers to see what’s underneath. It’s about darn time I did it, too.

I’ve also been trying to reach out to a cycling group here that has a women’s team to foster talent. I really want to give it a shot. I may not be the most aggressive rider, but I sure have grit and determination. Maybe that’s something. Maybe I’ll never be an amazing racer, but maybe it’ll be fun to try it.

Maybe these legs will take me somewhere. They’ve already taken me a lot of places!

I’m so far out of my comfort zone it’s not even funny. It’s really not. I’m exhausted, mentally and spiritually. I’ve done a lot of healing, and I have a lot more to go. But all I want to do is hide in my safe zone, which I don’t have right now.

I’ll have my apartment in 2 weeks, which will be my first taste of relief. I haven’t had a home in over two months.

I have to build a new home for myself.

Damn, that’s hard.

I feel like so many choices in my life and up to this point have been made to keep me grounded, to keep me safe in my space. But without a space, I feel this sense of loss and anxiety. I am hoping with all my heart that this new apartment will finally put me back in that place of feeling safe and secure.

Last Saturday’s ride reminded me of why I enjoy riding — it’s just a happy place that I can go to at almost any time.

It kind of feels like home, even if sometimes I’m really far from it. Whatever it is.

I just have to have hope that I’ll find it again. I definitely need it.